You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
