eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
