hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
