no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
