I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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