My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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