I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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