You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
