i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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