well I can't set my house on fire every night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
