I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
