I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
