I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
