I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
