wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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