If that was your dad, he is hot
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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