What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
