eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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