You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
