Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
