I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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