Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
