Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
