my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
