well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
