Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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