Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
