I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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