he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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