someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
