Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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