I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
