you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
