Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
