At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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