i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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