everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
