Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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