I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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