My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize