I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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