hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
