Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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