I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
