just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
