halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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