apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
