I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
