pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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