The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
MIDGETS
????
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
