I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
