why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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