I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
