There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
